That Second of Doubt

We went to Westside and Landmark the other day, for some 'birthday shopping'. I realised that while I am much more confident being myself, I still feel judged all the time. I wonder when it is that I began feeling that. 'Log Kya Kahenge' is unfortunately a big thing for me, in trivial matters mainly. 

So, I was browsing through the range of clothes by Bombay Paisley and then I began thinking. I can't spend 2000 on clothes. I don't NEED it. People will think I am spoilt. I ordered some things for myself for MY birthday, and I felt a little guilty. 'Spoilt!' 'Inconsiderate' the voices echoed in my head. My parents are the most incredible people, who want you to be yourself and have fun with life. They keep telling me to work on Deservability. 

I did not get everything I really wanted yesterday. Only what I thought was an appropriate amount. On top of that was the guilt of not studying a few days before the exams. Even though, I have already finished my revisions. At every step, I felt 'This teacher said we have to work hard' 'My cousins will think I am spoilt'. 


But what do I think? I think that this is my life. That I should SAY what I want to say, I should get myself what I want to say without feeling this guilt. Why are we so intent on leading everyone else's ideal life? Why not ours? There is no right way or wrong way. Whatever people say. 


If we died, who would actually think about all this - 'Oh no! She was such a Sanskaari girl'. Great. They are pleased with you. But if you die, wouldn't you want to be pleased with your life? Why succumb to what people say? Why not ask a question? Questions, valid questions work better than long statements. 

And then today, at lunch, something quite "embarassing" occured. I suppose the universe is giving me a lesson on deservability. 

I do deserve! 



Comments

  1. Abhinay Renny30 September 2021 at 21:38

    You deserve the best Anjali :D

    ReplyDelete
  2. Unknown30 September 2021 at 21:43

    Deservability is a relative state.life is about what you feel not others.you will gradually figure it out.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Shobha Nargundkar1 October 2021 at 09:58

    Loved it..

    ReplyDelete
  4. Harimohan1 October 2021 at 12:14

    Good awareness Anjali. And I agree with you - there's no right or wrong. What you think and what you 'own' is the right thing to do. And the first thing to do is to take care of yourself a you want to be treat yourself! So go for it. Also liked your end line about questions - they do open things up. Answers close things. Have fun expanding your d-ability. :)

    ReplyDelete

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