The Venom In My Eyes

 It was first grade

When I felt the sadness change

The sadness I had known many a time before

The blueness it began to turn black

Like a rotting piece of bread over time


I felt that venomous blackness grow and become a part of me

That blackness, that darkness, that seemed so easy to become

And soon everything turned black

And I couldn't see

Who I really was anymore


Because other people's words

Other people's faces

All turned black to me


I never saw red, but that inky cloud 

When I realised I was becoming someone unknown

And so I suppressed it

I never really missed it

Until I saw I couldn't


The venom it seeps through every now and then

I catch myself changing into that someone else

The blackness, the poisonous, world view

It never really does go away. 

Not really 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cast-e Your Eye Over : Happy Ambedkar Jayanti

Image
This one has been a long time coming. I've hesitated to write this blog for years now. Every time I hear the word 'caste' I get an uneasy feeling. Before, that uneasy feeling used to be fear and embarrassment. Who discusses such things? Today, it's guilt. It's guilt for not expressing my position so far. It's guilt for letting every casteist remark slide. It's guilt for not having the courage to challenge the narrative of our upper-class friends. It's guilt for being quiet. It's guilt for being ashamed.  My first interaction with caste was with my civics textbook. I'd heard the infrequent comment at school. 'Nuvvu Reddy caste aa?' or a 'We are proud Brahmins' was not unheard of. But it felt like everyone knew the history of the caste system. It was something that existed ages ago. In today's society, caste didn't matter. As one of my teacher's put it, today, when you go to eat a meal in a restaurant, do you care what c...
Read more

Over the MUN

Image
I used to scoff at the "MUN kid" stereotype. Obnoxious, bratty, condescending. "You don't know that also aa?"  I was not that kid. I was the kid who aced the tests, who would write an opinionated essay but whose ears would block out when handed a microphone. The one that said 'phew' after getting off stage. Going from that to winning awards at Model United Nations conferences was a plot twist Abbas-Mustan couldn't have predicted. 2023 was just one new experience after the other and I forgot to sit back for a minute and reflect on how much I'd changed. It was when my first grade teacher Kamakshi Aunty commented on a profile photo of me addressing a gathering saying "I'm so glad you finally overcame your fear of public speaking" that I realised that a change had happened at all.  In kindergarten, I was given an important set of lines in a skit for Independence Day. I came to school lines in hand, stuffed into an uncomfortable Nehru co...
Read more

Existential Philosophy : Karim Benammar

Image
 As part of my 'Introspection Summer', I signed up for three courses on Udemy, and completed one. 'Existential Philosophy' by Karim Benammar. It not only provided clarity as to existential crises and purpose, but opened up a whole new world of freedom and choice.  Why are we alive? There are two questions that we seek the answers to. How to make a living and How to give shape to our life. We have answered the first question through careers, and providing for our families. We have a world of abundance, where survival is no longer our primary purpose. We have time and energy to do other things, which brings us to the question 'How do we give shape to our life?' Throughout our lifetime we are simply becoming who we are. We are free to live authentically. We are free to sculpt our life, but that is a responsibility, and newsflash says - 'That's scary!'. Why are you alive? That question can make your life meaningful and enjoyable. The answer is to b...
Read more