I Get Lost - PS- Social Media Was A Mistake

 Other than my sub-par navigational skills ( I can literally make my way to 5 places by road), I do often get lost in my head. 

Everyone has a few governing beliefs and ideas. Its your life motto. Its what you live your life by. These were really meddled up for me when I was younger, but a few years ago I got it to a place that didn't end up in a mental forest fire. I figured out how to deal with people, the attitude that could get me through life and all else. 

But recently, very recently, gone to s. Completely gone to s. And I would be lying if I said social media had nothing to do with it. It was most to do with it. 

One thing I did not know about Instagram is that it can make you paranoid. Paranoid about what people think of you, paranoid about how you look at any given point in time, paranoid about spending time with certain people, paranoid about being yourself.

It became super easy to bash myself up over the flaws and the lacks that were constantly screamed in my face online. Everything, my whole life, is up for judgement. Silent or vocal. Often both. That took a serious toll on me. The pressure of a new grade, tenth grade at that, didn't exactly help. Satish mama leaving, things changing, school beginning, confidence dwindling and down the rabbit hole we go. 

I forget that I like doing things my way. That this messed up, passive aggressive sense of 'Be You, but not really' online really messed with me. And I don't like to admit it, but social media was a mistake.

I've never felt that feeling before. It felt like I was just giving up on myself. And so I gave up on my body too. That's the story of how I ran a 104 fever for two days. This feeling of a billion people all trying to get to the steering wheel of the Santro in my head was stronger than I thought.

I am not a person to tell people a lot of painful experiences either. When I just started crying day before on my mother's knee, I couldn't explain why. I've come up with the dangerous coping mechanism of just blocking. 'It'll pass' is a good attitude, but I didn't even let myself feel my feelings. Anger or sadness or whatever it might be. I don't remember the last time I cried before that day. I don't remember! 

This has been a huge lesson. Mental health and love for yourself is a lifestyle. It requires opening up to people (even if it sucks and you think noone cares), doing things that you like that won't bring you down and finding a way through life.

And I think I'll find that how much ever I believe that I am completely alone in this experience, I am not. 

Comments

  1. Harimohan7 June 2022 at 00:22

    Beautiful. Honest. Well said. Nothing like love for yourself above all else. And lots of love from me to you girl.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Miskil7 June 2022 at 21:19

    Anjali, you've written very lucidly what many of us have or are going through often. As if the internal pressure isn't enough we bring on external pressure through comparisons with random others on social media which is actually so ludicrous when we let ourselves think straight.

    Your self awareness and the ability to express your journey is remarkable.
    Thank you for sharing , it will be an important learning for those young ones who haven't yet tasted the perils of social media, in making the decision whether they want to go down that path or not.

    ReplyDelete

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