Been a While

trigger warnings - anxiety, feeling like an impostor

 It's been a while. The familiar click-clacking of the keyboard in whose pieces I have certainly spilt milk, oil and assorted liquids into is comforting. The reason for this long silence, dry spell or writer's block as it is called is unknown. Have you ever trained yourself to behave a certain way, where it felt like you were plotting a deceptive ruse? Well, I can't differentiate between the ruse and how I was before. 

Am I what I think I should be? Am I some being that exists beyond superficial social mannerisms? I've lived in the cowardice of not being able to argue, or defend my cause, or say no to people for so long, that I can't control it anymore. 

The past few months have been perhaps the worst of my life so far. I had an anxiety attack once and then once again. My closest friends felt like illusions. Fingers were pointed at me. And how much ever I tried to convince myself that what I was truly upset about was the loss of friends, my greatest fear was that their accusations were right. 

They'd figured it out. They'd realized I was a fraud. My confidence - a show, my charm - an illusion, my leadership skills - a hoax. Lie to yourself enough and it's the truth. And when someone threatens to pull that veil, and I have plenty of them, it feels like you have nothing to protect yourself. 

Without giving too much information about the incident, my tenure as Head Girl was going relatively smoothly or so I thought till a few close friends decided they'd had enough. Words were said, accusations were made, the word "bossy" was thrown around. I thought I was going to faint. 

The burden I put on my back of managing school events, council, tests, notes, exams, broken friendships and emotions was so much, and so internal, that it hurt so much it didn't hurt anymore. I felt like a shadow. I was functioning involuntarily. 

Yikes, found this in 9 year old Anjali's folder.

To condense five months of crying, paranoia, sleepless nights, imaginary bitch fights and having to interact with my "ex's" everyday is tough. And I don't think I covered everything here. I have started talking to somebody to help process these things. But honestly it's tough, when you lie to yourself, how can I tell the truth to somebody else?

I've battled with perfection all my life. A perfect body, A perfect friend, A perfect daughter, A perfect cousin, A perfect niece. And it takes a toll tax. A huge tax. I need validation all the time. My personality changes to meld with people. Anything can feel like a criticism. And how much ever I tell yourself I'm over it, you know way deep down you're not. 

I'm an impostor.

And when you have relationships failing and parents detaching, you start to wonder what the common factor is. I'm the problem, aren't I?

But the people I love, they say ' but we love you just the way you are', ' but you're perfect as is', ' you're enough'. But they say that because I behave in the way I know they'll like. 

One thing about me - I'm perceptive. It takes me minutes to draw a rough sketch of your personality in your mind. Then, programming me to be your ideal person is easy. So, of course people like me! It's an elaborate ruse! THAT WAS THE PLAN!

But if one person threatens to unmask me, I will be all alone with noone to love me.

And yes, if I'm myself, I might find the people that really care about me. But you know what, that's much much easier to say than to do. It pains me to imagine saying all the things I want to say, doing the things I want to do. 

But why now? Why this sudden epiphany?

It all comes down to my 'friend'. Ever since she came into my life, she's done nothing but challenge every belief I thought I had. And for that bit, I'm grateful.