The Comfort of Discomfort

 It was recently Valentine's Day. The day where we commemorate the violent death of a saint by giving each other flowers and chocolates. Maybe when Oprah dies we can burst party-poppers. 

Valentine's Day has lost its fervour. Sure, the consumerist "bonanza sales" and "heart-shaped pizzas" made the rounds in our circle but noone truly cared about the day. But I did. I always did. As a child, my favourite movie was always 'Dil to Pagal Hai'. Madhuri Dixit has a scene in which her friend (named Anjali, ironically enough) asks her why she spent so much money on herself for Valentine's Day. Madhuri replied that until she found the one destined for her she would love herself. She then proceeded to hop, skip and jump into the arms of a young Shahrukh Khan. 

I never expected love in that sense. I didn't make sense of it either. It was just something that would happen one day I used to think. But coming to a new school changed my idea of it a little bit. Maybe it was something I had to actively seek. Maybe I had to search for it. Or maybe I would just never find it. And as much as I love to be a happy, independent Madhuri Dixit on most days, it does hit you sometimes. To see people around you in love, with their eyes shining, hearts beating and cheeks turning red, and not have experienced that takes a certain level of security. You have to be confident in yourself. You have to be happy alone. But that day, I was not. 

please, who'd say no to this heartbreaker?

It'd be easy enough to wake up that morning, say "It's stupid to feel sad about this" and go about your day with a smile plastered on your face. It's what I do on most days. It's what a lot of us do.

As soon as we're faced with uncomfortable emotions, confrontations or painful thoughts, we distract ourselves. Failed a test today? Watch a movie. Just realised how much sugar a glass of Thums Up contains (quite a lot)? Scroll through reels. Embarassed yourself today by waving to someone who did not notice you? Shake it off and stuff your face with chips. 

Everytime we feel something that is not joy, we judge ourselves a little bit. You're supposed to be grateful, you're supposed to be young, you're supposed to be living it up. There's no room in that narrative for the pitfalls that life throws at you. Feeling things is the real gift. When we're always thinking and judging and assuming and supressing, we forget that life is made up of all the greys and blues. Of course, we can't wallow in that self-pity forever. But it's not the worst thing to feel "not good" sometimes. Sometimes it's alright to feel lonely, it's alright to feel less than, it's alright to feel embarassed, it's alright to feel stupid. You can only move on from a feeling once you feel it. 

That day I sat with my friend Vedika and I complained. I acted childish. I cried to her about how unfair I felt Valentine's Day was and how I was tired of waiting. She listened. I moved on. 

Sometimes you have to be the Madhuri in 'Tanhai Tanhai' before you can be Madhuri in 'Dil to Pagal Hai'.